up up and away

anger

So I was angry the other day on behalf of and at my sister for basically giving her friend a ride. A lot of her friends have been using her because she is a middle class American, (though she in no way earned it) has a car, SSI, lives under a roof, and healthcare insurance. Some of her friends do not have these luxuries, they see it, and most of all, see her passivity and her loneliness, and use her. By extension, her friend used me. She was sleeping while I helped her friend move his junk from one house to another. It was 1.5 hours of driving. The whole time I was gripping and ungripping the steering wheel while I glared narrowly in front of me. I was furious. I imagined my internal organs exploding, being pieced back together, and exploding again with the amount of rage flowing through me.

Later, when I expressed this anger to my father - “How do you deal with anger?”- he told me he was beyond it at this point. You have to lose expectation. I told him if I did not hope, if I did not expect her to eventually get better, then there is no point to making plans for the future. No hope for me, no hope for her because my future is inextricably tied to hers.

No, he told me - expectation that she will get better means that she should learn because you took the time to help her. Instead, you should accept her with her flaws and accept that she may not get better. And if she does not, your life and her life will go on. Help her, but do not get angry that you have to help her. Help her without feeling angry, help her without the expectation that she will learn from her mistakes, that she will get better. Help her as if you were helping her for the first time, every time, with infinite patience. And you won’t get angry.

Everything essentially boils down to this. The world does not owe you anything. She does not owe me anything no matter how much I give- but it does not mean you should stop giving. I’ve been trying to change my thinking to this this past year, and I think it helps a lot with feelings of stress and anger directed towards people.